I'm dreaming

I'm dreaming.

I'm underneath truth or maybe inside

I'm trapped in a seperate thought

where I feel more than anything possible

Sharp and vibrant and painful

Everything is clearer, more real and yet I know

I'm dreaming.

I'm biting my knuckles and squeezing skin

and pulling hair and trying desperately to scream

but I'm so real here that escaping is impossible

I climb into the bed to fall asleep, to wake up and my eyes are clamped shut

and my nails are in my skin and my voice is nothing

My voice is air and my heart is whistling

I am dreaming.

I climb out of the bed, out of my skin like a snake

realizing this is half memory, half fantasy

each feeling is pure and stabbing

and all the blood is redder than possible

and hotter than the sun

and I am squeezing these eyes completely shut but I still see everything

I am dreaming

I can tell myself the whole truth here

that I am a sinner and I will never not be

but the truth is killing me

it's too real

I'm screaming nothing

A skinned body

bones in a trash can

Cans on a string

sounding the alarm

I am dreaming

They are all chasing me and I know they will hurt me

and now the pain scares me so I'm running

eternally, I run

I see them, what are they?

A father, a nun, a small boy with no eyes, and a naked old woman

A wrinkled prostitute calling me over, telling me I'm a sinner

They are all raping me, violating every part of my skinless body

I am dreaming

I know it's real because I can't wake up

and they are watching me

down the wooden hallway to the right, past the doorway

and again down this wooded hallway, to the right, past the steep black doorway and now backwards again, to find the bed, to fall asleep, to wake up, to sooth my bleeding feet, to sit and not be chased

To find the rest of the memory

I am dreaming

I remember it like it was yesterday or a past life memory

I remember it's clarity which makes this place foggy

Which makes these feeling half of what they could be

I am a shell, a sliver of a woman

10% of what could be and so I'm pinching myself and biting my tongue

to wake up into a dream, to feel, to bleed red blood

but I am dreaming

and I can not wake up