Some sort of hybrid

I don't want to grow up.
I know I'm a woman now but I pretend I'm not.
All I say and think and write feels too juvenile.
So maybe I'm not. Maybe I am something else.
Some sort of hybrid.
But whatever I am,
I am not innocence. 

We all have to grow up at some point. It hurts me inside to think so.
But we do.
You can't pretend to have innocence when their is none left.
People will know.
People can feel how jaded and broken you are.
I have to tell myself this everyday or else I will crawl back to you.
And I want to.
I want to blame all my hurt on everyone else and force your arms to hold me.
I can make myself believe you love me even though I know you don't. I can beg you to say you care and tell myself you truly mean it.

I am not innocent.
I am not pure.
I have purposely hurt another person.
I have said cruel things just to make myself feel better.
I can blame daddy, or bullies, or the government but I will always know, deep down inside, I will always know that I did this to myself. 

When I feel completely empty I want to cry out for you.
I hold my hands back. I bite the inside of my cheek until it bleeds. I write down every hurt and imagine I can send it away to you and you will fix it for me. 

I don't want to say out loud that I think of you most of the day.
But the thing is I do.
And I want it to stop.
And I might just want to grow up. 

meow

  ^---^                 n

 l O  O l                l l

 l= o =l               / /              

 ``; ;``             / /

    l  l_________l  l

    l                      l

    l  _________    l

  / l l                l l l

 // l l                l l l

 U U                 UU

Meow. I made this at 3am. I have to get up in a few hours. :(

A sociopath pretending

 I am pretty high right now. 

I attach myself to whatever I can like a hook, a parasite.

I can love anything with my whole heart

and want it destroyed all at once.

I can say you are my world and I would die without you.

Then say the same thing to nearly anyone else.

Maybe I have no heart.

Maybe I am a sociopath pretending,

an actor in my own reality

telling myself I feel things more than anyone else

and feeling absolutely nothing.

I can suck my heart into my throat and scream

in the worst of agony 

that my mind creates for me.

I can tell myself I love you more than my own flesh

then tear myself apart.

I feel like a penny,

I feel like your ex fiancé’s gutter ring,

I feel like the dust on your windshield

trying to cling to a piece of you

and meaning nothing

I can pity myself the holocaust.

I can cry out as though I’ve burned,

I can say you ruined my everything and left me-

a guttered ring, a coin, dust-

but I don’t feel a thing.

FUCK

I feel so angry right now. I'm exploding

in this night

In that night

I could have swallowed you whole

Or climbed on your back to count

Each freckle, each birthmark, each goose bump

Because your skin and your bones

Are my skin and my bones

And my home can be your home

If you’ll stay here

Live our life here

In this glass case

On display

For only the lucky few

And trust me I’ll get older

And you’ll get older to

And our wrinkles will wrinkle

And our bones will crack too

And a thousand “Our fathers`” won’t heal

Our past sins and our past sins will fester

And our souls will lose

A small piece of their freedom

But they will survive

Through the winter

And summer and keep us alive

Like our fathers

And our mouths might foam

We’ll have our ankles shackled

But we’ll have stories for years

And my tears formed your tears

And our children will keep us

In frames made of stone

In time fingers are twigs

With a tissue stretched over

And loose strings and small things get lost

In the dryer

So please stay and grow old

And we’ll tally my scars

And yours to form a net to catch

All the bad dreams

And all the misery from the past

And carve our stones early

Side by side

And we’ll hide

hard candy’s in our coffins

to nibble on in our end

So come here a minute

And hold my arms up

So I can breath

Goodbye to my babies

For future’s not seen

And begin to live my dreams

In this night\

Unless I'm sleeping next to you

Unless I’m sleeping next to you

My body isn’t mine

My soul is just a lead pipe

And my mind is just a mind

But when I’m wrapped in your arms

My shingles will not shake

I’ve learned to be without you

But I know it’s my mistake

My blankets are just blankets

But in your arms they are waves

A night can last a minute

But I’d sleep away the days

Though your skin will make me tingle

And will warm my quaking bones

It’s the scent of you that brings me

To a fit of pleasured moans

And my hands are cold as ice cubes

And my toes are freezing through

But with you I am a fire

And the nights are never blue

There are force fields all around us

And a cloud beneath my spine

We could stay here just as statues

If you’ll lay here and be mine

Mr Caffiene" (Original song)

So this is a new song I just wrote last night. It's not played very well because I never play guitar anymore and I don't have it memorized but oh well:)


Verse One:
In the morning you
can't wait a minute
Gotta get your hit of coffee
trust me, I don't mind to wait

And in the evening you
 trap me in the bedroom
and you whisper sweet "I love you's"
though each time you tend to change

Chorus:
Guess you fell for my little spell and I get to keep you round here
And I'll hold you tight each and every night, if you don't disappear

Verse Two:
Aint no soldier
You never fought in a war
Though my words were cruel as bullets
and I aimed them for your heart

Came to your door
You innocent bystander
Well you must of changed your standards
For you opened up to me

Chorus

Bridge:

You say I'm the foolish one
I need a chance to prove you wrong
I think we're both cool and fun
But here's your coffee extra strong

Verse Three:

In your closet
where we've hidden all our secrets
and you say I have to keep 'em
but it stirs me up inside

In a moment
your hand fell into my hand
and we knew it'd last a life time
so I promised you I'd hide

Chorus

One Summer

One summer

We crowded into your single bed

And played footsies under a sheet

We put on old superman episodes

And spoke of your future

One afternoon

We plunged into your hot car

Just to listen to music on full blast

Without even leaving the driveway

And I sank

One evening

You told me to look at the shadows

On the stucco ceiling

And you asked if you could kiss me

I said yes

One morning

I was young and hadn’t gone anywhere far

You touched me so soft

And held me so secure

That I couldn’t help but die in your arms

One midnight

You kissed me like I had never been kissed

And sat me down with the mosquitoes

Just to tell me how things felt

You weren’t in love

One summer

I grew up

And thought I really might have been in love with you

And then you left

And I knew I wasn’t

I'm Juvenile

In the picture
She tilted her head back
and smiled with her mouth open
and a clean top row

I saw the beauty you saw
but I said she was
a bug eyed bitch
Jealousy makes me cruel

old man

I fell back,
two steps behind
to watch your heals make their quick escape

and when I ran to your bedside
all I saw was a dreaming child
too small to cradle
and too large to crush

So I fell back on the mattress
popping your dream bubbles
with a newborn's cry

I've sunk you back into the same step,
tied to another lonesome unit,
chained to the chestnut tree
where you'll never grow old

I'll wear you to bone
before you think of motives
or learn to say so

Won't sleep, you'll change
Night has it's way of changing men
and making them old
and loosening knots


So fall back,
one step behind
to long for your escape

I chose to jump

How true one becomes when they shed real tears,
how real and vulnerable
Oh! How uncovered you were in my arms
and each shoulder's shudder brought you further into sight
and I knew I'd brought you there

I saw the fact, that
Love can die of betrayal,
it can die of jealousy and mistrust
and it can be taken away-
as easily as fire by rain

I put you out dear one,
climbed out of the sanctuary in your arms,
ran you to the cliff's peak,
brought you straight to the edge,
and just when you thought I might push you

I chose to jump

His words

In a past life I was your father and I took care of you

I protected you and held you close

In another you were my wife and we were happy

You were devoted to me and I made you mine

In some life further on I will be your son

And you will be the one who holds on

I do not know what we are right now

But I know that I love you and I know that you need me

With your own two hands

When you threw me down and you bent my knees for me

You really only made my smile grow wider

And when you shred my spine into the wood

My laughter was ringing through your halls

And each time you hit me, fist after fist

My brain burst remembering a million joyous memories

Because though I’m awfully tattered now

And my ribs crack when I stand

You did it all to me

With your own two hands

Night Will Come

Once, twice, a third time, I cracked

Under your eyes, and

Ripped your ring to shreds

Twice, and the third time

I knew it was all wrong and

My impulse was not to blame

Except, I did

When you saw the evidence, did

It destroy you inside, and outside? My

Lies, each of them

Lay beneath another

Couldn’t she possibly change and grow

Or learn to feel like

Most of us? Well, I’m

Endless.

At first it ended in a flurry, a harsh word, a thrown stone, a buzzing silence

Then came the question parade

To each truth one side shuddered 

Hearing the other giggle, the

Endless one

Sin, fight, death chuckler,

Understanding no emotion at all and

Next was a shock of tears 

Soothed by

The rhythm of a cry

Only dancing downward, the 

Parade of salted soldiers

                                     well it's over now and night will come

I'll learn

Now that I have the freedom to do what I want all I want to do is collapse in your arms

St Lambert

I’m 7, sister, 9 and cousin, 8

We ride bikes

as far as the corner store

Buy juicy fruit and soda

on the streets of St Lambert

on hot September afternoons

From Granny’s house,

kissing the Swedish grandpa we call Fa-Fa

because he lives so far away

We pass the kite park

Sky full of colourful flyers

And the old church

which my mother says is haunted

and the cemetery,

holding our breath as we pedal by

But on the spiked black gate

With its rusted-over shine

A squirrel is impaled

Speared straight through the belly

Eyes wide

in a tableau of pain

On the cemetery side

another squirrel

looks up doubtfully

waiting for the other to come down

Sister tells me not to touch it

but I scoop the dead up, guts and all, and lay it down

The other scurries off nervously,

the scent of death reaching its nose,

eyeing far off acorns

We bike home

more aware of our mortality,

my hand sticky with blood

When we drove

When he drives with me in the rain he goes slow. He keeps the emergency lights on. He wants to keep me safe. He lets all the other cars pass us. He reaches over to hold my hand while he steers with the other. He lets me lay on his shoulder as he manoeuvres. I want to bury myself in him like he is sand. There is no way to get close enough. He goes quiet when it pours. He lets the sound surround us like a thick fog. We don’t listen to music. We breathe very quietly.