Some sort of hybrid

I don't want to grow up.
I know I'm a woman now but I pretend I'm not.
All I say and think and write feels too juvenile.
So maybe I'm not. Maybe I am something else.
Some sort of hybrid.
But whatever I am,
I am not innocence. 

We all have to grow up at some point. It hurts me inside to think so.
But we do.
You can't pretend to have innocence when their is none left.
People will know.
People can feel how jaded and broken you are.
I have to tell myself this everyday or else I will crawl back to you.
And I want to.
I want to blame all my hurt on everyone else and force your arms to hold me.
I can make myself believe you love me even though I know you don't. I can beg you to say you care and tell myself you truly mean it.

I am not innocent.
I am not pure.
I have purposely hurt another person.
I have said cruel things just to make myself feel better.
I can blame daddy, or bullies, or the government but I will always know, deep down inside, I will always know that I did this to myself. 

When I feel completely empty I want to cry out for you.
I hold my hands back. I bite the inside of my cheek until it bleeds. I write down every hurt and imagine I can send it away to you and you will fix it for me. 

I don't want to say out loud that I think of you most of the day.
But the thing is I do.
And I want it to stop.
And I might just want to grow up.