Not much left

I cry in the shower and while I blow dry my hair so no one can hear me.
It's pathetic

Glorified Comrade

My secret husband
      strange in his sobriety
      whispers into my ears
      and keeps me glued to his side

God of soundness
     who rushes over me as a wave
     who ties down my chaos with promises
     who deems me a treasure, a possibility, a cure

Paradisiac lover
     we marvel at each other's bones
     we scream into each other's skin
     we will not resign

Eurydice

I caught a glimpse of you Orpheus
Arms full of willow branches
Eyes full of longing
I want to laugh into your kisses
And pull your hair over your eyes.

Three Perfect moments

1.
He wraps his legs in mine. He breathes into the back of my neck. It makes my hair damp. He holds both my hands until we are too hot. Then we push each other away. He is gone when I wake up.

2.
We decide to live in the front seat of the car. With the seats laid flat. We sweat all over the headrest.

3.
His son runs through a light-filled hallway. His hair turns to gold. I see eternity.

He never did.

I have this thing about laying on floors. It feels like being a kid. It feels safe. I used to lay on my floor under the piano and play with the pedals. I used to lay on the floor of my first apartment for hours staring at stucco and thinking. I used to lay on the floor after school and make my mom step over me to put things away. I used to lay on his kitchen floor next to the electric heater while he made stir fry or scrambled eggs.
After awhile he stopped asking questions. He understood when I couldn't move or speak.
I'm curled in a ball at his feet. He is writing a book. I'm crying.
I love the way he asks me questions
"Are you having a breakdown sweetie?", He asks it the same way he would ask you to pass the salt.
"Do you want me to stop writing for a bit?"-I want him to hold onto me so I stop sinking.
He doesn't make me explain myself.
He holds my face in his hands and wipes my tears away with his thumbs.
I'm crying about the way his neck tastes when I kiss it. And how much I hate him and I love him.
I'm crying about sharing cigarettes and how he serves food for me. It feels safe.
I wanted him to lay on the floor with me so many times. And he never did.

they took you

The night before they took you away from me
we stayed up until 3am
A continuing succession of cigarettes
blowing smoke through the screens in windows

We ate handfuls of dried cranberries
and drank a bottle of whiskey

You were the good kind of drunk.
The kind for kisses instead of punches
The kind where you act like a cat to make me laugh
and tell me we will get through this

We watched two episodes of Sherlock.
Then laughed instead of crying.

We made up codes for secret phone calls
We picked out baby names and gave eachother pep talks
We investigated a loud noise outside
and made impossible-to-keep-promises

 We refused to let it take us.
The situation. The news. Reality.

In the morning you left
You disappeared with the wind
You left a warm spot on the bed
I sat in it and held my knees

I had a friend kill a spider for me
because I felt too weak

Meghan

She dances in silk collars,
On midnight car rides-
she screams
She wears out records
She loves her lovers
And she never leaves clues

She climbs on rooftops
To dangle leather boots
She is all the birds in the sky-
All the pain in his heart
She walks the bottom of the ocean
And never comes up for air

She is winter
Smooth and pale and perfect
Yet all the chaos of a storm
She spins in circles
And never gets dizzy
She is the perfect mystery

She is freedom
And the best friend you've ever known
She is bouncing from cloud to cloud
When you watch the sky
She is falling with the rain
And soaking into you

Her wrists are the most perfect thing you've ever seen
But her eyes are truths
To be close to her is to know every goddess
For she holds the moon
She is a beautiful fucking mess
And she has no idea

Only as bliss

I'm chained to your deceit
but I have finally succumb-
to this notion of leaving,
this inevitable end.
When is the part where I come to love someone else?
Or God forbid, myself?

Though each night you pull me back in
by the place between ribs and hips
Holding my ankle between your legs
and you kiss behind my ears
until I see you only as bliss
and we are both begging the world to end

I am no longer indebted to you
No longer your unmanageable daughter
I found a tiny piece of me in your deal with death
Saw some glimpse of my freedom in the chains on your wrists
I won't keep hiding out in bedrooms
when I'm supposed to scream

We were sort of pathetic

I used to think it was charming-
Our self medication
Our hidden sips of scotch while we drove in your car
Doing lines straight out of the palm of my hand
Passing out on a subway platform in London.
Face first in my own vomit
Moving six times in a single year
Being paralyzed on ketamine with a stranger cumming on my face against my will
Getting plastered on Paris new years eve and going to that sex spa
And those men who tried to rape me and drown you
But it really isn't charming

How to survive this

Collapse in the snow drunk on red wine and moonbeams
Realize the people who love you shouldn't treat you like this
Pray to keep an ounce of sanity
Pre crush some speed
Evaporate memories
Plan a trip to Thailand you can't afford to take
Make yourself eat something
He didn't have affairs because you're fat
Sing that song you love to sing
Play with babies. Tell them you love them. Love them
Make amends with your mother
Smoke constantly
Realize you're not enough for him because no one person can be
Drink juice from plastic cups
Cry about nothing
Laugh about everything
Write letters you would never send
Send them.
Get so high your heart might explode
Listen to tlc
Quit drugs
Pray even though you hate God
Go tanning because he hates tans
Get a new tattoo
Tell yourself you can't fix him
Because you can't fix him
You can't fix him.
Pray for his soul
Make new friends
Reunite with old friends
Stop cutting
Talk to his family
Talk to your family
Go shopping
Scream into pillows
Scream about all of this
Ok maybe don't stop cutting
Cut down on cutting
Laugh at puns
Smile too much
Make people uncomfortable
Knit scarves
Regain your identity
Audition for something
Sleep in
Join a gym
Light a million candles
Chant around a fire
Watch all the star wars movies. Even the shitty ones
Make big decisions
Stop dwelling in the past
Sleep with attractive boys and girls
Date someone your own age
Make friendship bracelets for dead authors
Work 8-4 all week
Have dance parties alone on your lunch break
This is reality
Give in to reality
Now be the kind of person you would like to be